When people treat you like they don’t care, believe them.
- Oprah (via lopmon)
Sleep doesn’t relieve my exhaustion anymore.
- July 7, 2014 (via 5weetsorrow)
First picture - December 24, 2012.
I hardly remember what happened that day.
I remember feeling very low and exhausted.
Cooking was a challenge for me because it meant I had to stand up and manage different pans and pots at the same time, which I wasn’t really able to do, but my eating disorder wanted me to cook, so that’s what I did.
Mum asked me to smile for the camera which I found strange since she had never been the one to take pictures.
But I put on a smile and let her take my picture.
I can’t remember what I got for Christmas.
I can’t remember what I got anyone else.
I can’t remember if someone told me anything special.
I can’t remember if we laughed a lot or enjoyed each other’s company in silence.
I can’t remember if I went to bed early or late.
I can’t remember if I felt genuinely happy for even just a second, but I highly doubt it.
My eating disorder took everything away from me.
The only thing I can remember from that Christmas is what I ate and how many calories it contained, and that is just sad.
Second picture - December 24, 2013.
I think it’s safe to say that a lot can change in a year.
Christmas this year has been absolutely amazing.
I have actually enjoyed going out and buying people their Christmas presents.
I enjoyed decorating the tree, baking Christmas cookies, hanging out with my favorite girls, wrapping Christmas presents, cooking amazing food, and just being with my family.
But this has been the hardest year of my life.
I have had to climb my way out of a deep and dark hole with close to no help. How I have been able to do that is beyond me.
Everything I have done to survive this entire year has lead to this blissful moment of true happiness.
I don’t just look happy in this picture, I am happy.
When mum asked to take my picture again this year, I turned to her and put the biggest smile on my face.
I asked her why she wanted to take my picture, and she told me she wanted to capture this moment forever.
She was just so happy to see me happy and healthy again.
Then I asked her why she had wanted to take my picture the year before, and her reply shocked me.
She said the reason was that she was scared that would be my last Christmas, and she had to take as many photos of me looking somewhat ok before it would be too late.
A lot can change in a year.
I posted this over 7 months ago, and so much has changed since then.
Being able to call myself recovered now is amazing, and worth every single day in hell.
N A T A L I A x